Havant has outlawed Christmas. Instead the town's 99.1% white population will be treated to a sterile mutli-faith "Festival of Light". Despite having a decidedly neo-pagan ring to it this has actually turned out to be the meaning of "Diwali", the celebration held in November by Hindus. Residents of all creeds, now inadvertantly converted en masse to Hinduism by the state, will now be able to join in the celebrations, which they were apparently barred from in some way in previous years.
Initially condemning the move as "political correctness gone absolutely barmy" local councillors were later to be seen scrambling all over themselves like a team of circus clowns trying to do a pit job at the Silverstone Grand Prix after realising that the festival was their own creation. The eviction of Santa Claus from his grotto was pure coincidence, it was claimed, and down to fire safety regulations. Unfortunately the actual marching orders failed to mention fire safety at all, and Roger Green, president of the Lions Club that had ran the grotto, denied that there was any fire hazard to speak of. What with his being a fireman of thirty years experience and until recently Hampshire's premier fire prevention officer I'm inclined to believe him.
The town's "Festival of Light: Cleaner, Safer, More Prosperous" banner was similarly explained away. "It's not political correctness. This is an event for all the community but everbody knows it's about Christmas so there was no need to mention it." said councillor Jane Rayner with supremely twisted logic. Presumably there will be no need to mention the names of Easter or Thanksgiving on their respective dates in coming years either, given that knowing what they are about apparently makes such traditional labels redundant.
Coming Soon to a New Year near you: "Chocolate Capsule Day: Watered Down, Less Christian, More Simpering".
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